Relax, I now have control of The President

I entered via his red silk tie at the weekend.
Access through other orifices will now be denied.
After the Intervention and a light sleep
he fed sparrows some cake in the Rose Garden.
His recovery is progressing better than expected.
The copy of The Bell Jar that he placed by his bed
he discovered in the White House Library.
It carries a dedication and kiss from Jackie Kennedy.
His new veganism will come as a surprise to many.
Expect Executive Orders giving federal support
to lentil and chick pea production in the rust belt.
His planned beard should follow his current hair
with backcombed sideburns and ginger soul patch.
I’m pleased to say he took easily to the pink mankini
in which he’ll dress for next week’s press conference
with a new mascara and rouge he’s modelling
for new Secretary of Homeland Security, Shakira.
The proposed repeal of both the death penalty
and the 2nd Amendment he intends to celebrate
with a concert by Neil Young and Henry Rollins,
sponsored by Patron tequila and Mexico Tourism.
The final appointment to his all-women Cabinet,
Sharon Olds, starts her Senate hearing next week.
The First Lady has been released back into society.
She plans to devote her life to elephant welfare.
The President will be meeting Justice Secretary
Toni Morrison to reinstate facts as a benchmark
for truth: alternative facts will come with warning
from The Surgeon-General and Joint Chiefs of Staff.
All scientists are requested to emerge from hiding
to return to their labs and classrooms immediately.
I hope you enjoy putting your new President to work.
Please take care with Democracy going forward
and don’t mention pee-pee. We can’t afford a relapse.


  1. If only! Anther winner, Mark, I love it. With Sharon Olds and Toni Morrison in charge, it would truly be a beatific world…

  2. Just the idea of him reading is weird enough, no? Thank you, Chris and best wishes with the Penguin Diaries. Sorry I missed the launch – I’m still in the desert!

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